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Today, I was having sex with a girl when her parents decided to come home early. Trying to run out the back door I fell and broke my ankle. Not only did her former Navy Seal father find out I was banging his little princess, he drove me to the ER, alone. FML

#7598826 - 01/26/2010 at 9:28pm - intimacy
I agree, your life is f***ed (3211)
You deserved that one (5423)

Today, I gave my 16 year old step daughter and her friends a lecture on respecting other people's privacy. Two hours later, I accidentally walked into her room without knocking. She and her friends were giving each other bikini waxes. Now her friends call me the hypocritical pervert. FML

#1885333 - 05/12/2009 at 8:23pm - kids
I agree, your life is f***ed (8335)
You deserved that one (47356)

Today, I'm seven months into a twelve month deployment. I called my fiancee, and she dumped me. The worst part is that two days ago, I re-enlisted to go to a unit an hour away from her house. FML

#8846079 - 03/05/2010 at 3:21pm - miscellaneous
I agree, your life is f***ed (12043)
You deserved that one (834)

Today, I was taken a taxi home after drinking too much. I started to feel sick and, not wanting to be charged the cab cleaning fee, threw up into my handbag instead. When we got to my place I then had to fish through that bag for my wallet to pay the driver. FML

#2560724 - 06/03/2009 at 6:40am - miscellaneous
I agree, your life is f***ed (6790)
You deserved that one (34612)

Today, I got my long hair cut in a short pixie cut. When my five year old daughter saw me she laughed and proclaimed 'You look just like a man!'. That afternoon I got a concerned call from the school. My daughter has told everyone 'mummy has gone away, I now have two daddies!' FML

#765462 - 04/02/2009 at 12:14pm - kids
I agree, your life is f***ed (50157)
You deserved that one (4327)

Today, I failed a basic intelligence test when the mouse trap I was setting up snapped on my thumb. Later, when I checked the trap I saw that the mouse had managed to lick all the bait off the trap without being caught, I have a sore thumb and was outsmarted by a rodent. FML

#2765186 - 06/10/2009 at 4:13am - miscellaneous
I agree, your life is f***ed (24425)
You deserved that one (8047)

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. A pretty redhead came on the screen. One of my guy friends leaned over to me and said, "Have you noticed there aren't any pretty redheads in real life?" I guess he forgot what color my hair is. FML

#8516526 - 02/21/2010 at 12:54pm - miscellaneous
I agree, your life is f***ed (15507)
You deserved that one (1244)

Today, after spending 20 minutes every day working on my abs for the last month and feeling pretty good about how they were looking, I received the first comment about them. A girl poked them and said 'squish'. FML

#5185626 - 09/11/2009 at 10:51am - miscellaneous
I agree, your life is f***ed (21698)
You deserved that one (3529)

Today, I dropped my keys in the drain. Thankfully my new flat mate (that I had just met for the first time) generously offered his help to reach the keys... with a flower pot. FML

#244 - 11/07/2008 at 9:18am - miscellaneous
I agree, your life is f***ed (8470)
You deserved that one (1775)

Today, the guy I liked for years asked me out. I instantly said yes. As I was walking away, I forgot I was at the top of the stairs and feel down 20 steps. He stood at the top and laughed. FML

#8837679 - 03/05/2010 at 12:24am - love
I agree, your life is f***ed (10619)
You deserved that one (2885)

Today, after finishing a three-page essay for my spanish class, I went to rip up my brainstorming paper in an act of triumph. After I finished ripping it up, I looked on my desk to see my brainstorming paper fully intact, and my essay torn into bits. FML

#5238031 - 09/13/2009 at 9:00pm - work
I agree, your life is f***ed (5731)
You deserved that one (37910)

Today, I must find a gentle way to tell my 71-year-old mother that she's too old to be wearing shirts that expose her belly. FML

#5359755 - 09/19/2009 at 9:22pm - miscellaneous
I agree, your life is f***ed (25964)
You deserved that one (1330)

Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML

#8968601 - 03/10/2010 at 9:54am - love
I agree, your life is f***ed (13131)
You deserved that one (1752)

Today, someone told me they liked my personality when i'm drunk. I asked, "what about when I'm sober?". "No, only when you're drinking." FML

#2422 - 01/24/2009 at 9:53am - miscellaneous
I agree, your life is f***ed (7949)
You deserved that one (1307)

Today, the bank called saying we were late in the mortgage payments. I was puzzled because three months ago I issued a big cheque to my mum pay off the mortgage. I just discovered that she instead lost it all at the casino. Turns out, she's become a compulsive gambler ever since dad passed away. FML

#4853130 - 08/27/2009 at 1:53am - money
I agree, your life is f***ed (33582)
You deserved that one (1773)

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