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Today, my daughter asked me if King Kong was based on a true story. She's twenty. FML
Today, while outside doing some yard work, I noticed a large dead branch. I picked it up and was heaving it over my head towards the woods, when it snapped in half. One half flew into the woods. The other half flew through the windshield of my brand new 2010 Mazda. FML
Today, I went camping for the first time. My friends thought it would be funny to put cookie crumbs on my face while I was sleeping. I woke up with ants in my face and eyes. FML
Today, I saw my dad going into my bedroom looking suspicious. Apparently he hides pornography in my wardrobe. FML
Today, after a long and tiring week, I took the London underground home late. I fell asleep, went miles past my stop, and had to pay for a taxi back because I was on the last train. FML
Today, someone said they were surprised that I was gay after they saw me making out with some guy. That "guy" is my girlfriend. FML
Today, I dove into the water perfectly, and my bikini bottoms came off. I splashed around nervously. This guy must have thought I was drowning, and dove in to save me. He emerged from the water carrying a half naked girl. FML
Today, after having my car towed and finding a friend to take me home, I realized my house keys were locked in my car. The friend had also left before I realized I was locked out. I had to walk two miles to my mom's house to get the spare key and then walk back. It started to rain halfway home. FML
Today, I took my driver's test. There was a woman waiting to cross the street in the middle of a block, nowhere near a crosswalk. I slowed down to let her cross, but she waved me on so I continued on my way. I automatically failed because pedestrians have the right of way. FML
Today, my girlfriend of one week and I walked into WalMart to be greeted by the welcome person. She criticized the job in every way possible, saying how any living thing on Earth can do it, or how pathetic it is. As we walk by the greeter, he says to me "Hey, you're working Sunday right?" FML
Today, I got an email from a university I had applied for grad school saying "Your application status has been updated". I had received a rejection email from them a week ago. I hastily logged in to my application page thinking they changed their mind. Nope, they rejected me again. FML
Today, I started my new job. The first thing my boss says to me is that I would have to take my nose stud out as it was against company policy. I don't have my nose pierced. It's just a big white head. FML
Today, I accidentally had my first threesome. A pair of mating bugs flew into my mouth while I was riding my bike home from class. FML
Today, I found out that if you fall on your butt, the cellphone in your back pocket can snap in half and embed a broken piece in your ass. I also found out that if you go to the ER, they will remove your pants with scissors and give you a bag full of blood-soaked denim and plastic as a lovely memento. FML
Today, I was getting ready and pouring boiling water into a thermos when I saw my neighbor walking her dog. She waved at me and I naturally waved back. I forgot that I had a thermos in my hand, and I waved it all over myself causing burns over my face and most of my body. FML
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