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Today, since we hadn't be romantic for a while, I shaved, bathed, cut my hair and snuggled naked up to my husband in bed. He got up went to the computer, masterbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

#6379949 - 11/20/2009 at 1:41pm - intimacy
I agree, your life sucks (783)
You totally deserve it (153)

Today I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

#6379842 - 11/20/2009 at 1:30pm - miscellaneous
I agree, your life sucks (649)
You totally deserve it (1928)

Today, as I was yelled at by a middle school teacher in front of 30 6th graders for breaking the rule of "no cell phones in school." Luckily, I escaped being sent to the office after explaining I'm a 21 year old college student doing student teaching observations, not a middle schooler. FML

#6379365 - 11/20/2009 at 12:24pm - miscellaneous
I agree, your life sucks (1970)
You totally deserve it (308)

Today, I dropped off a box for my sister at her job. In a rush, I unknowingly parked in a reserved spot. When I got back to my car, I saw that my car was being towed. After successfully flirting myself out of an expensive towing bill, I backed into the pole behind me, leaving a noticeable dent. FML

#6378987 - 11/20/2009 at 11:01am - miscellaneous
I agree, your life sucks (1060)
You totally deserve it (5257)

Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML

#6378966 - 11/20/2009 at 10:51am - love
I agree, your life sucks (2070)
You totally deserve it (5985)

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

#6378888 - 11/20/2009 at 10:35am - miscellaneous
I agree, your life sucks (7676)
You totally deserve it (1173)

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML

#6378633 - 11/20/2009 at 9:53am - intimacy
I agree, your life sucks (335)
You totally deserve it (680)

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

#6378315 - 11/20/2009 at 8:56am - work
I agree, your life sucks (1982)
You totally deserve it (7571)

Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

#6377589 - 11/20/2009 at 4:36am - miscellaneous
I agree, your life sucks (204)
You totally deserve it (732)

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me so she could "let her life flow in the direction she wants." Apparently that includes smoking, stealing and making out with other girls at parties. The best part? She wants to get back together "after she matures and gets it out of her system." FML

#6377568 - 11/20/2009 at 4:30am - love
I agree, your life sucks (2852)
You totally deserve it (239)

Today, at work, my boss said something that I didn't catch. I went to take a leash off a dog, (I'm a groomer's assistant) and looked at my boss and said "What?" To which she replied, "Be careful, he bites." I now have a two-inch gash on my finger from a 6lb fluffy Maltese. FML

#6377475 - 11/20/2009 at 3:29am - work
I agree, your life sucks (1097)
You totally deserve it (324)

Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping FML

#6377384 - 11/20/2009 at 3:25am - love
I agree, your life sucks (7384)
You totally deserve it (861)

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

#6377281 - 11/20/2009 at 2:29am - love
I agree, your life sucks (10238)
You totally deserve it (1864)

Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML

#6377275 - 11/20/2009 at 2:26am - miscellaneous
I agree, your life sucks (1533)
You totally deserve it (10255)

Today, I finally got an interview at a restaurant after looking for a job for three months. I dressed nice, and the interview was going well until this blonde girl in booty shorts and fishnets walked in. The manager hired her on the spot. FML

#6374426 - 11/19/2009 at 8:50pm - work
I agree, your life sucks (1848)
You totally deserve it (119)

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